Life Lessons, Love Lessons

I think as women, America teaches us that if we need someone, then we are not worthy enough to have someone. If we need it, then we don't deserve it or haven't earned it. So we learn to be super independent, which ultimately backfires because we don't learn how to receive or need in a relationship, and that results in a lack of relationships (or a lack of satisfying ones).

What I learned in Japan is totally unrelated to romance, but hugely applies. (Hugely, it's a word now, for all blogging purposes). When I first came here I was totally illiterate, I had no car, and I didn't know about the local transportation. I have never needed anyone else so much in my life.* I needed help grocery shopping, getting anywhere, creating hot water for my shower, using the crazy public restrooms, reading labels, understanding the train schedule....EVERYTHING. At first it was a huge cause of frustration because I hate feeling helpless or dependent in any way. But let me tell you, if you try to live in Japan but can't speak Japanese, you have no choice but to suck up your pride, because you can't do things alone. This is because you are illiterate, and because Japanese society is built to make everyone need everyone. So never in my life have I needed other people like I have here.

What I realized is that, despite needing so much from other people who owe me nothing, they still loved me. I needed them but that didn't make me unworthy of their care. It didn't make me needy or annoying or a drag. This was a major change and understanding that I never expected to gain from my experience in Japan -- that you can need so much, and be given so much, and eventually find a way to give back while still receiving, so you discover a balance. And I think that balance will pave the way for all kinds of amazing relationships.


* This discussion completely excludes my family and especially my parents, because it is taken for granted how much love and support--both emotional and financial--I have needed from them. My family has been there from the start, so needing them was not something I had to learn, it was simply innate. To really need friends and significant others, however--this has taken a lifetime of lessons.