Since I don't know how to insert links to old posts, I've reposted one below from many months ago (in quotations so you know it's not current). I'm doing this because I find it amusing. A year in Japan has taught me many things, and the old fantasy has since gone through some restructuring.
Before that -- In another post I made some hideous generalization to the effect of, "love doesn't exist in Japan." But recently the truth of the Japanese love story hit me like a smack across the face. How's this for a paradox: it's not that love doesn't exist in Japan. It's that the Japanese version of love exists when people want to love each other, but can't. Be it unrequited or star-crossed, "Japanese love" is desire that cannot actually be realized. So if you want to argue that yes, the Japanese do believe in love, I might have to agree with you. But if the only passion is the kind that can't actually happen...does that really count? If "love" is what occurs between two people who share one dream but cannot actually make it come true, is that really the same thing? Seems to me like this phenomenon should have another name. Something more along the lines of "shit happening" or "it's never enough" or "we tried but it was just too hard so life conquered our love instead." The two people who want to be together most certainly would not hesitate to call it "love," even though it was broken from the beginning. I can speak from experience, so I guess I must give this disappointing-yet-classic Japanese version some credit. Still, they ought to call it something else.
Here's the old post, and after, I'll talk about what has changed. If you've been following my blog I hope this gives you a good chuckle.
"I just received my recontracting papers in the mail. In short, I must decide whether or not to leave Japan after one year, or stay for two. John, the other ALT, is decidedly staying for two. I was discussing with him the possibility of leaving after only one year, telling him about my goals for Japan and my goals for the rest of my life. After hitting on many subjects, most of which were not related to love or romance, he snickered, turned his head to one side, looked at me shrewdly from the corner of his eyes and said accusingly, "You just want to get married."
I don't remember how I responded, but I can promise you, I was pissed off.
First of all, why does he say it like he's accusing me of something? Most guys act like this, and many women do, too: it's wrong, weak, old-fashioned, dependent, unadventurous and shrewish to desire marriage. Not to mention, everyone knows that marriage is a trap into which all women try to lure all unsuspecting men, with the single goal of making them feel miserable, trapped, and bored for the rest of their lives. In my experience, all guys seem to think all women want this. Guys want to sleep with you, and they have no qualms voicing these desires. But if you let on that what you prefer to a string of meaningless, soon-to-be-boring-if-not-confusing hookups is a real, intimate and fulfulling relationship with one person...well then by God, "you just want to get maried," and men should avoid you and your traps at all costs.
Second, what John "accused" me of is simply not true. My young-womanhood fantasy does not involve me running back to the US, spending my spare time curling my hair and reading Cosmo, desperately bar- and/or church-hopping to find Mr. Right, who will then propose to me and solve all my "single gal problems." No. Listen-up, fellas, this is what I really want. This is my fantasy:
I will live not under the same roof as my boyfriend, but alone. I will happily and ambitiously pursue my dream job as a successful novelist and creator of "real literature." I will get regular exercise and be a fantastic cook. Then, unexpectedly and without trying, I will meet a man and we will fall madly in love. He, in turn, will live alone, and he will also ambitiously pursue his dream-job that allows him to be financially independent. He will have his circle of guy friends with whom he can go out drinking, bowling, rock-climbing, or whatever it is he enjoys doing. And I of course will have my circle of girl friends, with whom I can talk about everything, shop, exchange cooking recipes and yoga routines. Our lives will be exciting with the security and comfort of knowing that my significant other is there for me. And I, in turn, will be there for him. We will spend our time together relaxing by visiting museums, going hiking, checking out new restaurants and bars, having intellectual discussions, watching college basketball, going on romantic picnics, reading in parks, playing tennis, going to hear quartets, staying on the couch all night to watch movies, grilling steaks and drinking red wine. Sometimes we'll cook together and then do dishes together. But the laundry, the vacuuming, the picking-up and the money-earning will be done on our own, independently, because we ultimately live in our own spaces. We'll have the comfort of loving and being loved enough to marry the other person, but we will also have the freedom and the space necessary to be truly happy in such a close, committed relationship if we are not actually married.
Then maybe, when I'm about 30, I'd like to marry this man, and take a brief hiatus from my career to raise our two beautiful children. I refuse to be one of those women who insists she can "have it all" and do everything at once, because that just triples her workload and makes her more tired, stressed, resentful, and frazzled than I ever care to be. One thing at a time, and I will make the most of everything.
Happily unwed until the day that I am wed.
PS -- There is nothing in here to suggest I cannot have all this with a man I've already met."
What Has Changed:
- Though I will always be passionate about writing (there's just no choice in that matter), the dream job has morphed into an idea I've kept close to me all along. This means that instead of returning to America, I'll move to France for a year.
- Ideally, I'd like to get married sooner than later. And that's all I mean. You can't force anything and I don't intend to. But I realize that the more I learn about myself, the more comfortable I become with the idea of "settling down."
What Has Remained the Same:
- I still think your own space is necessary unless you are going to marry someone. I imagine cohabitation requires tons of commitment and sacrifice, and I'm only interested in giving up my autonomy if it is a means to an end -- if there's a shared vision of a life together past the cohabitation step. Otherwise, it just feels like too much compromise too early.
- There will be no bar-hopping or Cosmo-reading.
- I still don't think the best way to happiness is trying to "have it all." I want to lead a peaceful, purposeful life, not a frazzled one in which I've tried to cram too much.
I hope that this time in Japan has made me less naive and more independent. I hope it has given me a clearer vision of what I need to be content. I think I've learned quite a bit, and for that I have many people to thank. :) Unlike one of my favorite professors, at age 23 I'm not daydreaming of "a man, a house, and a child" yet, but I can feel myself getting closer. I'm just paying attention to my cards and playing the best hand I know how.
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