05 November 2005

What a Semi-Modern, Semi-Traditional, Semi-Romantic, Semi-Feminist (Young) Woman Wants

Or, "The Ideal Life as fantasized and described by a female in her 20s who is happily bringing home the bacon and can do as she pleases, yet doesn't feel old enough to describe herself as a full-fledged 'WOMAN' because she believes that you're not really a woman until you're 30, or until you give birth, whichever might befall you sooner."

Disclaimer:
1) Some people will disagree with this post. That's lovely.
2) I am not pretending to fully understand all the ideas that I'm about to throw out.
3) I do not speak for every other woman on the planet -- just me.

I just received my recontracting papers in the mail. In short, I must decide whether or not to leave Japan after one year, or stay for two. John, the other ALT, is decidedly staying for two. I was discussing with him the possibility of leaving after only one year, telling him about my goals for Japan and my goals for the rest of my life. After hitting on many subjects, most of which were not related to love or romance, he snickered, turned his head to one side, looked at me shrewdly from the corner of his eyes and said accusingly,

"You just want to get married."

I don't remember how I responded, but I can promise you, I was pissed off.

The first time I played a friendly game of doubles at my high school, Jun was my partner like he has been every time since. We were paired against two older men and, despite the differences in age, sex, and serving ability, we were well-matched for an exciting game of tennis. For some reason, though, I had trouble keeping score. I felt like an idiot because the three men had to correct me constantly when I called out the points. Not until the game was over did I realize why I had been confused: without informing me, they all decided that Jun and I should get a 2 - game handicap, because I was a woman. "But," they told me, "we think you are more skilled than most women, so next time you won't get the handicap." (Jun and I won the match.) Oh, joy. Then one teacher rattled of Japanese, and the other two men laughed. "What'd he say?" I asked. An English teacher hesitated before translating, "He said your volleys are better than his. He doesn't like it."

This reminds me of the time I played Halo with a bunch of Maxwell guys, and it wasn't until after the game they told me why I managed to stay alive for so long: they had all agreed to the rule that no one was allowed to shoot at me unless I engaged first. Unlike tennis, I really did suck at Halo, but this still pissed me off. I asked to play with them because I wanted to play with them. I didn't want special treatment.

Going back to John's "you just want to get married" comment. First of all, why does he say it like he's accusing me of something? Most guys act like this, and many women do, too: it's wrong, weak, old-fashioned, dependent, unadventurous and shrewish to desire marriage. Not to mention, everyone knows that marriage is a trap into which all women try to lure all unsuspecting men, with the single goal of making them feel miserable, trapped, and bored for the rest of their lives. In my experience, all guys seem to think all women want this. Guys want to sleep with you, and they have no qualms voicing these desires. But if you let on that what you prefer to a string of meaningless, soon-to-be-boring-if-not-confusing hookups is a real, intimate and fulfulling relationship with one person...well then by God, "you just want to get maried," and men should avoid you and your traps at all costs.

Second, what John "accused" me of is simply not true. My young-womanhood fantasy does not involve me running back to the US, spending my spare time curling my hair and reading Cosmo, desperately bar- and/or church-hopping to find Mr. Right, who will then propose to me and solve all my "single gal problems." No. Listen-up, fellas, this is what I really want. This is my fantasy:

Return to the States and live in an exciting, relatively traffic-free city with cultural events aplenty and fast, easy access to a pristine lake in the mountains where a shell awaits me constantly and in excellent condition. I will live --newflash!-- not under the same roof as a fiance or husband, but alone. I will happily and ambitiously pursue my dream job as a successful novelist and creator of real literature, not a columnist or blogger or any of the other forms of writing I see as the "junk food" of literature. I will get regular exercise and be a fantastic cook. Then, unexpectedly and without trying, I will meet a man and we will fall madly in love. He, in turn, will live alone, and he will also ambitiously pursue his dream-job that allows him to be financially independent. He will have his circle of guy friends with whom he can go out drinking, bowling, rock-climbing, or whatever it is he enjoys doing. And I of course will have my circle of girl friends, with whom I can talk about everything, shop, exchange cooking recipes and yoga routines. Our lives will be full and exciting, with the comfort of knowing that my significant other is there for me. And I, in turn, will be there for him. We will spend our time together relaxing--not bitching or complaining about work or stupid people--but visiting museums, going hiking, checking out new restaurants and bars, having intellectual discussions, watching college basketball, going on romantic picnics, reading in parks, playing tennis, going to hear quartets, staying on the couch all night to watch movies, grilling steaks and drinking red wine. Sometimes we'll cook together and then do dishes together. But the laundry, the vacuuming, the picking-up and the money-earning will be done on our own, independently, because we ultimately live in our own spaces. We'll have the comfort of loving and being loved enough to marry the other person, but we will also have the freedom and the space necessary to be truly happy in such a close, committed relationship.

Then maybe, when I'm about 30, I'd like to marry this man, and take a brief hiatus from my career to raise our two beautiful children. I refuse to be one of those women who insists she can "have it all" and do everything at once, because that just triples her workload and makes her more tired, stressed, resentful, and frazzled than I ever care to be. One thing at a time, and I will make the most of everything.

Happily unwed until the day that I am wed.

Hopefully this is as "Carrie Bradshaw" as I get. :) Now she's an adjective.

PS -- There is nothing in here to suggest I cannot have all this with a man I've already met.

5 comments:

Mimi said...

I'm the first to comment (perhaps because I get up insanely early)! I totally agree with wanting separate lives and establishing happiness and independence before getting married. I think that is really crucial for personal growth and ensuring compatibility when you do eventually get married.

I might interject that this is a little too idealistic although I think you knew that when you wrote it. I mean realistically, can you have a place with great culture and low/no traffic? I'm not sure. Also most writers find it hard to support themselves initially without working another job. So that might be hard too. But I think focusing on those things draws away from the over message of this post which is (to me) what you want for a relationship. Which I think is awesome and if played out this way would lead to a fantasically solid relationship. Loved reading it and it spurred me to write about my own ideal life.

Mimi said...

I have to say something to what Mike said. I don't ever want personal growth to stop, but if I keep growing at the rate I am now, I'm going to feel like I have multiple personality disorder in a few years! (Actually most psychiatrists believe multiple personality disorder is a farce but you know what I'm saying here.) Its just that I feel like I am growing so much right now that I at some point I think our personal growth while not ceasing should slow down. And I definitely want to enter my marriage when a feel comfortable with my thoughts. Its like you have to wait until your eye perscription steadies off before you get LASIK surgery.

Lauren said...

Haha! These posts cracked me up, especially the LASIK analogy and the Candace Bushnell crack. I agree with both of you, and of course I do not want anything to stop or be hindered by marriage -- that would be FAR from my ideal. And the cultural events/low traffic, I know that's impossible. Just a fantasy. :)
About multiple sides, we ALL have them, and they make any kind of relationship interesting. Everyone is an onion but how many layers have you really gotten to see? People fascinate me.

Anonymous said...

That's quite a coincidence; I just read something this afternoon that might interest you:
“By now it is basic Freudian-feminist cant that the socialization process tends to make men flee from women—something about having to learn to separate from the mother and identify with the father, a more radical transition from what girls have to go through since they need only to emulate the same person who nurtured them, which in most cases is the mom, and hence they are less inclined to separation and are more comfortable with connection than boys are—and this is meant to explain misogyny and cold feet and all the other male behaviors that make it seem like women need to snare some man by hook or by crook. By feminine wiles. The very thing that makes men scared of women is what also makes women scary, a self-perpetuating process that has been in effect for so many years that who can say it isn’t what makes the world go round. The mechanism of this fear in our age is love’s officially sanctioned anarchy: no longer do men control marriage in the sense that a girl is given over to her groom by her father. But it’s not as if women have gotten the upper hand either. The result is women wishing they could be cool and sassy like Delilah, and men frightened away by a phantom threat of emasculating female power. But if any of us had Delilah’s power, men would be too flummoxed to be frightened: we’d all like to be so enchanting that men don’t even notice that they’re falling love until they’re already there, don’t even notice that they need to be afraid, be very afraid…”

p.s. Live that dream. I'm working four jobs right now, but if I hadn't spent the last 12 hours with three other men in a really hot, closed space with not enopugh ventilation, doing considerable damage to my ears, hands, back, digestive system, and probably the rest of my body, food and sleep deprived, physically and psychologically exhausted, recording 6 songs that I helped write and doing something I have always dreamed of doing, then my time being alive was not worth it. I think you realize something that sets you apart from most other people, and that is you understand how much you have to sacrifice to turn your dream into a reality. Rock on.

adam said...

the overlooked aspect of this story is the fact that john probably just wants to marry you.

here's a fun social experiment in japan. next time you're at someone's house for dinner with john, tell him to get up and try to do the dishes after dinner. they'll never let him. then you get up and try. haha.