Cat's Tongue

Today was a challenging day. If you don't want all the details, skip down to the 3rd major paragraph, and then keep reading.

Yesterday, the high schoolers stayed at home, and the classrooms were filled with nervous junior high students trying to pass my high school's entrance exam. Even though my school is public, kids have yet another exam to pass and yet another acceptance to worry about, before they even hit their equivalent of 9th grade. I tried to be as friendly as possible to the little, big-eyed students in their military uniforms. Seriously, their outfits look like juvenile navy uniforms. Straight-laced, wide-collared, brass-buttoned, uptight, and unforgiving.

Today, I had to grade the English compositions of those 350 kids. I worked with 2 other English teachers from 8 am to 5 pm with one 30-minute break. Between each set we took a 2-minute stretch break and rotated seats so our necks would be bent at various angles throughout the day (my idea, I was proud of that one because evidently it had never occured to anyone else).

Reading the same ideas over and over was tedious, and grading fairly on a scale from 1 to 6 was difficult...but the truly hard part was acting Japanese. I can't decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I realized I have become much more adept at keeping my opinion to myself. Especially when I disagree, this truly feels like a sacrifice. But I'm acquiring the skill.

Now I understand just how often and how comfortably I disagree with people, go my own way, and do my own thing without giving it a second thought. In fact, in America this behavior is often considered a strength, an attitude I've received compliments for being "brave enough" to possess. But in Japan, of course, it works the other way. The strong person is the one who does not express her opinion or her own desires if they are contrary to the group. Harmony, harmony, harmony. If you conceal your emotions and conceal your real opinion you're golden. If someone asks directly for your opinion and you give an ambiguous, indirect answer, you're golden. For example, I was the main person responsible for the English compositions, because I'm considered the resident English expert. But in true Japanese fashion, I didn't grade anything independently. I worked with 2 other teachers and we read and discussed each essay before agreeing on the final grade. Since I'm a native speaker, finding mistakes and repetitions and patterns was extremely easy for me. I could judge the score in about 5 seconds. But instead of declaring my opinion as soon as it came to me--as I would do in America--I waited for someone else to speak first. I listened to them discuss, compare, re-read, ask questions, etc. while I silently nodded my head in agreement, or made a sharp intake of breath if I didn't agree. Usually I agreed with the other teachers' ideas, but I never expressed my opinion assuredly. If I definitely agreed I would hesitate as if I were still thinking, and say, "I think so..." and trail off as if to say "Maybe, I could be wrong, but maybe..." That meant "Yes." And they understood.

If I disagreed--and had logical, rational, persuasive reasons for disagreeing--I didn't say anything if I was already outnumbered by the others. I let the cat hold my tongue, so to speak, and I went along with what was already agreed upon. Let me tell you, it felt like a sacrifice. It felt like willingly wearing handcuffs. If someone asked for my opinion and I didn't agree (for example if they thought the grade should be a 5, but I thought 4), I would say, "Yes, it might be 5...but well, maybe it could be 4, I'm not really sure, it's difficult." That very clearly meant "I think you're wrong, it should be 4." And they understood that as well. So if I disagreed we had to spend at least 5 more minutes talking about what was the best conclusion.

One time we could not reach a consensus, but I simply couldn't give up my opinion -- I felt sure that I was right. I totally disagreed and well, trying to fit into Japanese society does not mean you want to toss everything aside and become Japanese. I had to stick by this one. I wanted to cast off the chains and stand by my unharmonious, individual opinion, even if it went against the group. And this is how I expressed my complete, utter disagreement: I looked them in the eye and shrugged. I never said a word, but the message was clear. I lost the battle 1 to 2.

An American suppressing her opinion or needs can feel oppressed, snubbed, undervalued, even helpless or depressed. Of course, I can very well say whatever I want, and I know it will be excused because I'm American. But I'm really trying to be beneficial here, and I won't help anyone if I'm constantly adding stress or strain as the token gaijin.

When we finished, the teachers thanked me generously for my hard work, doting on how tired I must be (even though they just went through it all with me). Then they looked at each other and said, "Wow, grading this year was very smooth. That went really well."

I smiled to myself. Those 2 sentences mumbled at the end of a long day were all the positive reinforcement I needed. Maybe they had no idea how hard I'd worked to help things run smoothly. But I felt like I succeeded.

In Japanese, there's no expression for "Cat got your tongue?" That implies someone is waiting to hear your opinion. There is, however, the expression, "cat's tongue," which I most definitely have. It means you're sensitive to hot foods and have to let things cool before you can eat them. It works wonders to explain why I'm not drinking my tea right away. "Cat's tongue," I say knowingly. And they understand.